Tuesday, December 21, 2004

the doctor the camel and the malboro man

This has nothing to do with judaism but u folks might like it anyways

The Doctor, the Camel and the Marlboro Man

Any sane person who bothers to walk by Hunter West, will always be greeted by the morbid sight of young people slowly killing themselves, not to mention funding our imperialists, war-mongering, capitalist machine with more exorbitant tax money. Rationally speaking it is extremely sad that so many people would be engaged in such an irrational activity, especially in front of a sacred house of learning and reason, namely Hunter College. But being depressed about things never gets one anywhere it just makes one feel bad, until oneself is drawn to drown his of her misery in the fumes of the Marlboro Man.

On the other hand, I and many other people stand to benefit from the stupidity of smokers. You see dear readers as a premed student, I want my profession to be as profitable as possible when hopefully get there. If there are a lot of young people lighting up now, then by the time I finish my training they will be lining my pockets as a result of their Emphzema, Lung Cancer and Asthma. As their conditions deteriorate and my wallet grows larger, I will take on more of their cases of Strokes, Heart Attacks and High Blood Pressure. Their smoking will make Ol’ Me a rich man one day, so keep on puffing.

Today in America there is a debate going on about the legality and morality of doctor-assisted suicide. This is essentially when a doctor helps those who are in a lot of pain from terminal illness terminate their existence, aka kill them self. But for some strange reason no one mentions anything about Doctor-Assisting Suicide. When those kids in front of Hunter West are knowingly or unknowingly killing themselves, their future bypass surgeries are currently paying for my 2014 BMW flying convertible. I say currently because many people are now paying insurance for the ailments that will afflict them later in life. Their current suicide is in actuality assisting the doctor in the patient’s not-so-speedy quest for the after-life, not the reverse as the politicians and ethicists are debating about.

The part of this issue that does not please me, is that by buying cigarettes, particularly Camels, you are in effect promoting almost total US reliance on a much sought after Middle Eastern product. This reliance in effect has helped to promote some of the reasons for our own White House Marlboro Man’s cowboy style invasion of the People’s Republic of Saddam-land. Of course how can it be a “people’s republic” if it’s Saddam’s land is a good question, therefore let us just call it Iraq. The United States is tied to the Middle East for a whole slew of reasons including Camels and “black gold”. As a result of our great reliance on Saudi and other oil producing countries of the region, we were forced to go in there and secure our supplies for our free world and the rest of the French-dominated semi-free world. Or so they didn’t really tell us, but any prototypical Homer J. Simpson with an IQ slightly higher than that of our national cowboy could figure out. What happens if another evil dictator with his great stockpiles of mythological weapons of mass paranoia decides to rise up and threaten our Camel supplies? Will the great savior of the free world, namely the Marlboro Man and his sidekick “not-so-little Dickey” extend Haliburton style freedom to another innocent dictator’s country? Will our troops be waking to another dialect of the Muezzin’s call?

This constitutes a difficult dilemma for us potential medical professionals. On the one hand we want people to assist us in their suicide. But on the other hand we do not want to find our Marlboro Man being burned in effigy in all around the world. We want to see him burned for real, by real Americans who will help fill our bank accounts. The solution of course is to start grazing Camels in the few great open spaces left in this country, namely the Bush family ranch and the white house front lawn. That way by the time the herd grows large enough we will still be only maintaining a minimal occupation force in much less then half of the globe.

At the end of all western movies, one sees the heroic cowboy riding off into the sunset. At the end of Michael Moore’s next thriller, one will see the following picture. There is a camel riding off into the sunset with a Marlboro man riding it. But unlike the traditional western movie this one is featuring the camel pulling a carriage. Inside this odd little carriage is a doctor waving to his former patients as he rides off. Since this movie is a Middle Eastern as opposed to a western, our heroes are riding into a cloud of rising ash that is emanating from the latest mass effigy burning session as opposed to the sunlight of dawning of a new capitalist day.

1 Shpeils


Blogger BrownsvilleGirl said...

Well, thank God I'm no smoker.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004 10:09:00 PM  

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