Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Chuck Is Moshiach

Maybe Living in Crown Heights has tweaked my mind.
Chuckmoshiach

Friday, January 05, 2007

Ramchal and Mayor LaGuardia: Related?

So it was a dark and dreary night in gotham, and I was at my computer lazying away by aimlessly wandering Wikipaedia. As I was wandering down the list of Jewish-American politicians I surprisingly found late New York City Mayor Fiorrello De LaGuardia listed. Of course our famed Italian-American Mayor was known for his good relationship with the Jewish community, coming out strongly against Adolf Hitler, but I was suprised he was listed as Jewish. Turns out his mother was an Italian Jew from Istria, and her name, Irene Coen-Luzzatto. Of his mothers religion, mayor LaGuardia said, "My mother undoubtedly had Jewish blood in her veins, but I never thought I had enough to justify boasting of it". LaGuardia considered himself to Episcopelian, from his father's side of the family.

Another famous Luzzatto that I am familiar with is the famous Italian-Jew Rabbis Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (RAMCHAL), known for his works on Jewish religious thought and Kabballa; Mesilat Yesharim and Derech Hashem notably. In fact it turns out that the Luzzatto lineage happens to have many notable Jewish figures, including Italy's second Jewish prime minister Luigi Luzzatti.

Of course the question still begs itself, is mayor LaGuardia a member of the famed Luzzatto lineage and a relative of the famed RAMCHAL and other Luzzatto's? At this point I have yet to see any internet proof that there is any connection other than a shared last name, but yet the this find does open seem to be quite interesting.




Monday, January 01, 2007

Boycott this!

Mr. Jews response to an Anti-Semite:

Its a free world, you dont have to like jews, but for those like you who dont like them, I might suggest that you boycott certain Jewish products like the Wasserman Test for syphilis, Digitalis discovered by Dr. Muslin, Insulin discovered by Dr. Minofsky, Chloralhydrate for convulsions discovered by Dr. Lisfreich, the Schick test for diphtheria, discovered by Dr. Zelman Waxman, the Polio pill by Dr. Albert Sabin, and the Polio Vaccine by Dr. Jonas Salk. Good Boycott!

Humanitarian consistency requires that all bigots like you accept syphilis, heart disease, diabetes, convulsions, diphtheria, infantile paralysis, and tuberculosis as a matter of principle.

You want to be mad, be mad; but I'm telling you now, you aint gonna feel good!

Sincerely,

Mr. Jew

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Israel: where winters at

yeah so its gonna freaking snow in israel before it snows in New York City? what the hecks up with that? When I'm in Israel i miss the biggest snow storm in new york city history, literally. and then when im back home in the good ole big apple im missing (going to miss) jerusalem style snow. lama?

i think its my warm personality :P (yeah that was very corny)

Sunday, December 24, 2006

merry christmas l'kulam

so yeah happy 2007th (2006th?) b-day baby jesus. I'm really feeling the yiddishe christmas blues now, whats a jew to do on Jesus's birthday with all the gentiles out feasting and stuff? I could totally use a bearded fat guy taking a dive down my chimmeny now, and lucky for him since its so freaking warm there wont be a fire burning there. Which begs the question, how in hell did santa do it in yester-year when the main source of heat in homes were fire places? did he have a special northpole fire retardant santa suit? something quite fishy about this saint nic chimmney sliding myth.

if you ask me some kids parents made it this whole present shindig to get him to shut up, and welll he told his friends and before long you have all these kids telling each other that santa brings presents down the chimmney for all the good boys and girls on chrismas. I guess those kids grew up to become good goyeshe maideles and menschen and passed on the story, thus the santa mesora was born!

Of course this all begs the question, how does santa know which houses are christian and which aren't. Well its in the mezzuza stupid! See its possible that a christian fellow arrives home way too late on erev christmas to get that tree, let alone decorate it. In this situation it would be totally unfair to mr. Gentile's kids if santa didnt stop by because of some missing tree, well to everything thing theres a solution. See santa's got special mezuzza-adar, which alarms him which houses not to take a dive by. The special homing becon un rudulfs nose alerts him to the Jewish houses and thus he doesnt make a mistake by hitting those homes.

and that ladies and gentleman is my christmas torah, happy holidays!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Zman Cheruteinu (post-finals)

Yeah i feel liberated, no more finals to screw up. And oh yeah for the rest of you in Bio 100, even if none of you will read this, that was plain out sadistic. Did the professor break up with her man or get turned down by a good looking student with moral fiber? God did i really just say that? See what being in biology has done to this ben torah :P

Anyways im free now to do a lot, which of course amounts to next to nothing...ok that just a jew complaining. In truth im sure my tzedek mission in new orleans will amount to something, and if nothing perhaps ill knock a few points off my olam haba debt, ok or add some more karma points towards nirvana, call it what you wish.

as my favorite bravehearted anti-semite once said, FREEDOM!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Finals (!@#$%)

In case your still stoned from that wild pre-finals party um, uh its finals season, yay.
The worst part is that I've just realized that i have a problem. i cant study! Ill sit down to go through my bio book or some other useless waste of dead trees and then realize I just cant absorb any of the information, stare at the page, and eventually get up and talk to myself on this blog. how freaking sad. the worst part of it is that I've gotta do this routine non-stop until thursday.

And yeah even worse, hannuka harry hasnt shown up with anything yet. Tonights the fourth night (i think) and some crazy bearded guy has yet to slide down my chimmney, although on second thought maybe thats not such a good idea.

Anyways good luck with finals (yeah as if this computer screen has finals) and merry chrismuka

Friday, December 15, 2006

channuka song

so yeah im bored and its erev shabbat and erev channuka, so heres the channuka song for all you kikes, kikesses and wanna-bes out there.


Put on your yarmulke
Here comes chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a christmas bush
Heres a list of people who are jewish just like you and me
David lee roth lights the menorah
So do james caan, kirk douglas, and the late dinah shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the carnegie deli
Bowser from sha na na and arthur fonzerelli
Paul newmans half jewish, goldie hawns half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin jew

You dont need deck the halls or jingle bell rock
cause you can spin a dreidel with captain kirk and mr. spock- both jewish

Put on your shtreimel-ka
Its time for chanukah
The owner of the seattle supersonicahs
Celebrates chanukah

O.j. simpson, not a jew
But guess who is? hall of famer rod carew- he converted
We got ann landers and her sister dear abby
Harrison fords a quarter jewish- not too shabby

Some people think that noam chomsky is
Well hes not, but guess who is
All three stooges
So many jews are in showbiz
Tom cruise isnt, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend veronica
Its time to celebrate chanukah
I hope I get a harmonicah
Oh this lovely, lovely chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy chanukah
Happy chanukah

Thursday, December 14, 2006

CPR

As a rather underblogged semester here at punks of zion headquarters comes to an end, a new beginning dawns for this once glorious blog. I intend to bring this baby back to its glory days of the famed brownsville girl post-a-day, to DBs humor and of course the lovely endless arguments we enjoyed. You will hear tons of absolutely useless crap until you (whomever i force to check this shindig) decide for the sake of my sanity to begin writing ure own posts and thus revive this mother (think biblical dry bones story if u know what i mean).

Friday, December 01, 2006

Gotta Love Those Friday Morning Phone Calls

So we have Saturday morning cartoons and now we have Friday morning phone calls... let's work backwards through the week. The conversation went like this... (and because this blog wont let me go to the next line, its going to be written badly) ME: hello? GUY: hi who is this? ME: Alison. Who is this? GUY: Alison Shabot? ME: Yes. GUY: oh ok. sorry wrong number. (hangs up)...............wtf?!? Anyone for Thursday?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Kaporos

Crown Heights is dark and bustling with motzei Shabbos/erev Yom Kippur activity. I am sitting in the back seat of a Chevy Astro. In the front seat is Rabbi Dov Yonah Korn and my friend Benyumin. On the floor between us are four cages containing 21 live chickens. We are headed for Greenwich Village.

I have done many crazy things in my lifetime, things that I am amazed actually happened when I look back at them. I beat some natives of Naples, Italy in their own card game on the island of Capri using hand gestures to comunicate. I ate some traiftastic ant eggs I found under a rock once. I nearly burned down a chuch by spilling a large amount of lit incence on the carpet. A priest almost died after I accidentally gave him bleach instead of water to drink. I have had many strange experiences, but none of them have been as meaningful as this one was. The concept itself sounds crazy. On the day be for Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement, you traditionally buy a live chicken and say a prayer while you swing it over your head (most Jews don't do it this way anymore). Basically the chicken becomes your proxy and dies instead of you. It is your replacement and through its death you are somehow allowed to live on. I know, I know it sounds like another religion we've all heard of, but bear with me. The proceeds from the chicken sale go to charity and the chickens themselves are given to poor families. Nothing goes to waste and, in fact, a great number of people are helped. Is it helpful, relevant or worth doing from the atonement perspective though? Furthermore, since most people perform Kaporos with money, why the heck should you do it with an actual chicken!

I was suspicious the first time I heard about it. Why is this relevant to my atonement? It sounded like something that happened on a desert island or in a hut in South America, not a tradition of the Isrealite people! My curiosity, as always, got the better of me and I agreed to try it, and to help the Chabad rabbi bring the chickens to other student. That is how I ended up in a van with 21 squalking, defacating, vomiting atonements. After parking illegally, violating several people's leases by bringing livestock into buildings and dodging pecks we were back in Crown Heights to have the chickens shechted (slaughtered in a kosher way) and to do our own kaporos.

I picked my chichen and took him over to a bench so we could have a chat. Morty (that's what I named him) was rather unhappy to be doing this, but I explained that he was doing a very good thing and that it was quite an honor. I launched into a whole diatribe about how animals used to leap to be used as sacrifices at the Bais Hamigdash but I don't think Morty was interested. So I thanked him from the bottom of my heart and started the prayer. It really was meaningful for me. This fiesty, annoyed, uncooperative chicken was just like me. Neither of us were always so pleased to be doing what we needed to be doing, but in the end I wake up early to say Shema before shkia and he met with a shochets knife. He died so that a poor family could eat and so that I could learn a lesson about who I was and what I was meant to be doing. Morty made me promise to live up to my responsibility. It was like the end of Saving Private Ryan where Tom Hank's character says to Ryan "...earn...this." It was an incredibly powerful experience and I am so glad I did it. I really feel the responsibility, and the chicken crap is still on my shoes.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Catch-22, What Do You Do?

Well heres and interesting article I saw on Haaretz. The argument goes that if Israel would release the terrorist murder Samir Kuntar back to Lebanon, Hezbullah would return the Israeli soldiers captured. This means allowing the man who murdered an Israeli family in cold blood to go out as a free man, what do you do?

Monday, September 04, 2006

lashon hara

working on the border of flatbush and boro park, has been quite culture shock for me. and as randy, shirly, alison, nukes, scott, and moishele saw today, i've had to change a bit of how i act and dress. alison and randy even took pictures* of me in my jewwear (including stockings!). nukes even commented that i had the proper number of pleats in my skirt.

i think working in this very religious community has in some ways, rubbed off on me. don't worry, i'm not getting brain-washed, but i have been definatly more aware about certain things. for instance, lashon hara. now, i'm the type of person who has no problem saying what i think. i think if you have something to say, good or bad, you should definatly say it to someone's face, correct? but definatly not go heind someone's back. which is why i was annoyed to find out that a girl in hillel, who i am not friends with in the slightest, haven't seen or talked to in months, was going around spreading rumors about me. not that they were good rumors. she was going around saying i "dropped out of school," and then laughing about it. i don't understand what was so amusing, especially since it ws a completely fabricated story.

i thought about telling her that unlike her, who has her rich parents to support her, i've been on my own since i was 16, and i pay for everything myself, including, school, my cell phone bill, health insurance, food, rent, etc. since i got screwed over in terms of financal aid (and no it did not make me feel any better to learn i was one of many who have had that happen to them), i just could not afford to go this semester. don't get me wrong, i do not resent the fact that i have to pay for things on my own at all. it has taught me how to be independent, and i do not hold anything against the people who's parents DO pay for things for them. glad they have it. but i do have something against JAPs who make up rumors, and then laugh at people who actually have to work for things.

but i decided telling her this was worthless. partly because there is no way for her to comprehend it. but mostly because i don't want her pity at all.

in the torah, there is a story of miriam speaking lashon hara, and getting "afflicted" with a skin disease, which our sages have determined was probably leprosy. fortunatly for this JAP, leprosy is non exsistant in the US. however, in the religious community, lashon hara is thought to be a sign of a poor upbringing, something as little as lashon hara can majorly hurt your chances of getting a good shidduch, or even any shidduch. while i don't think the JAP is going to be shidduch dating, ever, and while i don't agree with what most of this religious world has to say about things, in this case, they are pretty right now the money. unfortunatly for this girl, she has no manners, and is a case of poor upbringing, and i feel sorry for her, and everyone else who comes in contact with her.

as for me, i'm working very hard to not be the kind of person she is, and not speak lashon hara.

on a side note, the fact that i haven't seen or spoken to her in months and she finds the need to talk about me... i guess i should be flattered that she dedicates so much of her waking life thinking about me. especially since, with the excption of this, i haven't given her a second thought.

*for the pictures pleae ask randy or alison to post them.

**my argentinian blood has cooled some (but not that much), but the pavement beating shall be held off on until furth notice... or until randy gets t-shirts made.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Baruchim Habaim

This one semi-lazy punk would like to welcome Rebbecca as our new Hillel Chancellor and quasi -dictator er i uh mean director. We (myself and I hope some of the rest of you) would like to wish her with the help of Hashem and co. much bracha, hatzlocho and maisim tovim in her new draconian task of keeping us punks and wannabees in-line, well fed and entertained.

God Speed

Friday, July 28, 2006

I Need to Clean Out My Room NOW!!!!!!




HELP!!! I need to clean out my room! Correction, I need to redo my entire room! I had to get rid of a dresser, a four drawer cabinet, one book shelf, and a small size cabinet. They fell apart, literally. They belonged to my oldest sister. As far as I am concerned, she has had them for at least 15 years, maybe longer. So, in a way, its not surprising that thay fell apart. (For the longest time I wanted to change them, but she woudn't let me. Don't ask me why. )

For the past few months I have been cleaning out my room and closet. Not only do I need to clean out my space, I need to take inventory of all my pink stuff. Yes, all of it. ( I'm considering doing a seperate inventory list for all the Hello Kitty items) I have no clue when I'm going to be finished. I'm trying to get my room back to order by Labor Day. So far I've been doing okay.

As someone who likes to look on the bright side of things, I'm taking this as an opportunity to redecorate my entire room. Problem, I have less than two weeks to do this. I figure if the good people of Taking Over: Home Edition can make an entire house in a week, I can accomplish my task in 2-3 weeks.

Guys, its horrible. My room looks like it got blown by a hurricane. I have a huge pile of clothes on my bed. Half a dozen plastic bins stuffed to the rim are in the hallway. My books and magazines are stacked in piles. What really get to me is that half of my skincare and makeup products are currently MIA. Oh, in case if you're wondering, I've been sleeping on the living room couch. No, the couch is not pink.

(I apologize If I seem totally flustered and jumping from one thought to another. I'm just really fustrated right now.)

I've been going by Target, The Container Store, and Bed, Bath, and Beyond so much lately that the employees greet me the minute they see me. The sight of me slinging huge shopping bags on my back along with holding one on the left and one on the right is hilarious. Memebers of the local firehouse were impressed. Thank God for back to school sales. If not, I wouldn't be able to get everthing I needed at such good prices.

The Container Store website is really cool. There is a back to college link that has a variety of decorative choices for rooms.
http://www.containerstore.com/college/style/index.jhtml?viewAll=true

As you can tell from the three images from the top I narrowed it down to three choices. I was wondering what y'all think. Please let me know.



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