The Long Overdue Facebook Wall Etiquette Guide

As I have mentioned in the past, I hate the new wall on Facebook. Because of its format and look, people think it's a message board. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not. That's right--shocking as this may sound--The Wall is NOT a message board. To save myself a lot of explaining, I will just give you expounded examples.

Exhibit A: The Question
Dina, what does it say on the post-it? I can't make out the words.
This simply doesn't work because I will not respond to you on my own wall. So why pose a question? Now I'm left wondering if I'm supposed to violate Facebook etiquette and respond on your wall or in a private message.

Exhibit B: The Contributing Question
Yeah ... what is on the post-it. We demand to know, we're passing around a petition.
Hrm, interesting predicament I'm put in. More than one person has asked me the same question on my wall. Should I perhaps post a general message on my wall for people to read or simply reply to everyone on their walls or send out a mass message? Why do you do this to me?

Exhibit C: The Message Board
sweet.... im not the only one
No. Don't do this to me. My wall is not a message board. Really, it's not. It's for people to write entertaining things so that when other people read my profile they think I have cool friends. That's the point.

Exhibit D: The Wall Clinger
thats like the second picture of you mid-sentence. did i mention im one of your facebook stalkers?
Oh, darling, there's no need to mention it. I know it. I know it because you are every other message. That's right--every other message. Is it because you like seeing your picture over and over again? Is it because you have no greater joy in life than commenting on people's walls? I don't mind--you're a pretty girl, but please, tell me why you do this!

Which leads me into the next exhibit...

Exhibit E: The Picture Commenter
"thats like the second picture of you mid-sentence." did i mention im one of your facebook stalkers?
Why would you comment on my picture? I change my picture at least once a week. My wall, however, is there forever. You comment about a transient picture and my wall starts losing its sanity.

Exhibit F: Pictures
**I will spare you and not post an example**
Sure, trucks hit people in real life. Sure, teddy bears are cute. Sure, "ASCII porn" is funny to some people. But none of those--NONE--are worthy enough to take up five inches or so of wall space. Don't be obnoxious; yield wall space to others.

What does work then, you ask?

This works: Dina is by far the hottest girl in Hunter (no, Hon, I didn't say I got a pearl from Gunther), even if she still thinks I'm just her side-kick.
Note the writer's reference to something personal (my hearing problem). This is good.

This works: I command you to abort Operation: Cupid’s Arrow! You are NOT a matchmaker!!! You just play one on DorkTV.
Note the writer's tone. It is one that works well for Wall comments.

This works: Dinasthecoolestpersonevereventhoughshethinkskentuckyson
theeastcoastandidahoisinthemidwest.
Note the writer's ability to seamlessly announce my coolness in the same sentence as a fault of mine (y'know, to make me seem more human).

And that is all I have for today's lesson.

(All Wall comments taken from real Facebook Walls!)