Sunday, March 26, 2006

Mock Israeli Elections

An attempt to show Israeli democracy is marred by morons.

Last week's mock Israeli elections were a success. That is to say, judging by the reaction from the Hunter Socialists who tried to "out-flyer" us; and the article on the Web site unneccessary semi-colon is for you Steve.) Their anti-Israeli flyers include the one below.

By the way, what is it with those Socialists? If you haven't come into contact with these freaks, consider your self lucky. For some reason these people have decided that their primary goal in life is anti-Israeli rhetoric. What that has to do with socialism, I don't know. They walk around wearing khafias around their necks, as if it helps make some statement about their solidarity with the Palestinan people. (I would have a picture, but creatures of darkness don't show up on film)

Of course, we know that the most famous kafia was worn by Yasser Arafat. (who was born in Egypt not Palestine btw) Arafat, who had arguably the most successful alter ego in political history. The persona that these "socialists" idolize, the grand illusion, spoke english and was a pillar of the piece process. The other Arafat spoke Arabic and was a pillar in the campaign to sink Israel to the bottom of the ocean. Which one is the real Arafat? With his pro-terror policies, does it matter? Either way, it's interesting that this is the guy these people want to associate themselves with.

So another chapter has been added to the Hunter branch of the Isreali/Palestinian conflict. (see Punks posts Why I'm flunking my way out of school, Very interesting indeed and Ad inthe New York times today to name a few.)

On Wednesday, March 29th there will be an anti-israeli event held by the "Socialists" in Thomas Hunter Hall, room 305B at 7pm. Attend and let your voice be heard...

...this should be interesting.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Bitul Torah and its Negative Effects on Human Continuity

I herby announce the first victory for the Feed a Hungry Yeshiva Guy at Burgers Bar Foundation (FHYGBBF), well uh put it this way my rather pyrrhic victory is other wise known as Avian Flu H5N1 which recently flew into Israel. As a refresher I previously lamented my yeshivas dinner-time fowl feeding habits and discussed how I desired the death of the local fowl population in a form that would successfully remove them from the neighborhood supermarket shelves and subsequently my highly unbalanced diet (see Essentially I beat the tabloids at their own game. Think about this for a minute, you heard this story from the punks of zion first, months before this got out of the National Enquirers "wild, crazy and almost possible scenarios" room. Punks, we just beat those tabloidists with their pants down and their martian tails between their legs. Of course whereas killing off the bird population in this cruel and unusual fashion was certainly not envisioned in this manner, and the threat to life and falafal in Israel and other less holy places was certainly not desired, I feel so freaking powerful. HA! Well not really, but kind of.

At this point the only thing I can do is pray to The Divine Fellow (to those confused Im not refering to dina) to un-curse the Israeli bird population by putting the Bird Flu genie back in the bottle. Or perhaps I could just deny ever having anything to do with the whole thing and just blame this mess on our beloved neighbors (excluding the pretty mermaid country to the west of us).

Aside from learning that a) pulsa denuras ( some kind of kabbalistic death curse that i really dont know anything about) do in fact have a relatively high success rate, b) Be very careful what you wish for and c) Bitul Torah can get you into all sorts of trouble.

By the way, I was just wondering, when the Men-In-Black and Shin Bet show up at my door to escort me to some undisclosed administrative detention cell in the relative neighborhood of Pluto, could one of you kindly explain this whole mess to my parents.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Swastika Shmasticka!!

A couple of weeks ago I saw a swastika on an elevator door. I didn't think to much of it partially 'cuz I'm from Baldwin, NY therefore used to this crap. Since then, I've been asked about it plenty of times and I got a mass email from the Hunter president about it.
OK, I just want to let out some steam about this whole

I used to go to a high school, where we used to find this sh_t on the walls all the time. One time I walked out my front door to find swastikas spraypainted on a fence across the street from my house. A few days later I watched with quiet rage as I watched as the owner had to slowly scrub the horrid graffiti off his own fence. This year the town menorah was vandalized...for the second year in a row.

Yet I don't believe that neo-nazism is a problem in Baldwin, for one simple reason.

These stupid Punks stay hidden.

That's not to say that we don't know who they are. There was this kid in my high school class Gerald Lang (thats right I said his name) who everbody was pretty sure was a Neo- Nazi. This is judging from the way he dressed, and fired guns at hispanic people.

Back to the point. They hide in the shadows and come out when noone is looking, scribble an antient symbol they don't understand and then scurry back under whatever rock they came from. They are not a threat.

However, if you spend all your time in meetings and conferences exchanging emails and press releases denouncing them. They are given strength. These D_____bags are validated by any organized movement to do something about it.

In my opinon, the best reaction was of the old man who saw the swastika at the same time as me. I'll repeat it.

He saw the swastika, said

"Oh my g-d... that swastika is backwards what an asshole!"

laughed and walked away. He was a smart guy.

Of course, this is not to say that you ignore them all together. Document the occurences, keep on the look out. Until they actually do anything illegal or dangerous such as attacking another student, there is nothing you can do; and anything you do will only add to the problem.


So I'm at Dina's birthday party, and I'm having a great time. My food comes, looks great. I order a white chocolate mousse cake, I couldn't wait to jump in. Dina turns to me, quite innocently, and points to my lip. She then says "Oh, you have a little something over he-"


::Moment of silence, staring, awkwardness::


Hysterical laughter.

Ladies and gentlemen, she pointed at my stitches.


Thursday, March 16, 2006


I was so busy hyperventilating that my brain didn't kick in to tell me to record The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down until The Brothers were nearly done with the song. So here, for your viewing pleasure (really listening pleasure cause you can't see much) are the last three minutes of The Allman Brothers playing The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Fear and loathing in Brooklyn

We couldn't tell the difference between right and wrong.

“I lost,” Nukes said.
“I lost,” I responded, and laughed.

This particular round of the game took on a deeper meaning. For one, he was bleeding from the lip, and we were in jail.
After that Nukes continued screaming at the arresting officer.

“Listen man, you don’t understand,” this was the yayin talkin’ “I AM AN E-M-T, and I demand to go to the hospital.”
“Noooookes,” I pleaded. “PLEASE SHUT THE F%^$ UP.”
“No,” he responded. “You shut-up.”

Then I passed out. When I came to Nukes was gone. They apparently had finally taken him to the hospital….
…what a night, this Purim isn’t as fun as the last one.

An explanation is in order. Ok, stop, rewind. About an hour earlier we were at the Hillel Purim bash, drinking and having a good time. I had already arranged to sleep at his house, because mine was far away. We took a cab home, but when we got there, he realized that neither one of us had any money. Yadda yadda yadda, we were put in the back of a squad car.

“I lost,” I said.
“I lost,” Nukes responded, and laughed.

Good! Now that we’re all caught up, I can continue.

Being alone in a cold jail cell sucks. What sucked even more is that I didn’t realize that I would be in captivity for the next thirty-two hours. At about six o’clock I was awoken to be fingerprinted. Then they told me I was being moved. When I was done being moved I ended up in Red Hook, Brooklyn. Nuke was still nowhere to be found. There I met my first cellmate, this creepy Polish guy who was being held until Interpol could pick him up. A few hours later Nukes was delivered to Red Hook.

“NUUUUKES?” I yelled down the hall.
“Yeah,” he answered. “How you doin’?”
“I lost,” I answered.
“F$%&, I lost,” he responded. Neither one of
us laughed.

By the end of two days we would have spent over thirty six hours, in seven cells in three facilities. We were to have had over a hundred cellmates and we each lost about twenty times each. We got out with time served and five days of community service. Still though…
…Hag sameach.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I Really Think We Should Live By That Pasuk

Let's take a sober moment to look at one of the key phrases of the megillah. Esther is afraid to speak to Achashverosh on behalf of the Jews, and Mordechai says to her, "if you remain silent at this time, relief and salvation will arise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish." (4:14)
Obviously, because of HaShem's promise to Avraham, HaShem was going to save the Jews. But it's been a while since we've had open miracles, right? So there had to be a shaliach through which the salvation could happen in a natural way. Meet Esther.
Esther was given an opportunity to save the Jews. Her existance didn't necessarily rely on her saving us, but she was able to. Mordechai did a good job setting her straight: here is a chance to save your people, take it whether it risks your own life or not. And I think the lesson of Purim is just that.
The obligations we have on Purim include giving money to the poor. God doesn't give everyone the same amount of money; to some HaShem gives a lot and to others, very little. Those who are given a lot are also given the opportunity to give to others. While we should always remember that, it's crucial to remember on Purim. Here is your chance to give to others; here is Purim reminding us that when given the chance, you have to seize it.
I'm going to eat more hamentashen now. Chag Sameach!

Happy Purim!

Chag Sameach from the Punks of Zion.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Monsey v. Long Island

The other day I was in Staten Island on a Yachad shabbaton. During Oneg I had a preposterous debate with a Monseyite. She said that there were more Jews in Monsey than there are in Long Island. A fellow Long Islander (West Hempstead specifically) came to his homeland's defense.
"No way. What're you crazy there are more Jews on Long Island. Come on think about it; The Five Towns."

She countered with, "Hey, only three of the Five Towns have Jews, and even they aren't all Jewish."
I decided against my better judgement to enter this rediculous conversation.

"What about Far Rockaway, thats almost like Long Island."

"THATS QUEENS," they responded almost in unison. "Doesn't count."

This pointless debate when on for another twenty minutes before I pointed out the Hamptons and the Monsey girl conceded.

When I got home, I was curious as to how close it was. So I checked the census. Unfortunatley, it is Illegal for the U.S. Census to collect data on religion, so i was going to have to make assumptions with the research just a smidge.
First I checked for population. Monsey had a population of about 14 thousand. Lets assume for arguments sake that every single one of those Monse-keteers are Jewish. Long Island (Suffolk and Nassau) combined have a population of 2.75 million. For Monsey to "out-jew" LI, Long Island would need a Jewish population of less thatn .5%.

Which begs the question, what the hell was she thinking?

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Newsflash: Starbucks to Serve Chulent!

After months of weak ideas and secret consultations with the va'ad of New Square, the Starbucks coming soon to the Palisades Mall introduced their new campaign aimed at attracting clientele from the large Jewish community of Rockland County: coffee made from chulent beans! That's right, now those living in Monsey don't have to wait for Getty on the Hill's Thursday night chulent to get their chulent fix! Genius. Pure Genius!

(This is an actual poster with actual chulent beans in the background I took a photo of at the mall. For real!)

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Fantastic Shabbaton

This weekend was poised to be either complete failure or a great learning weekend. It turns out it was way more than any of that.

Weekend started off in a weird way. I showed up to Brooklyn College Hillel as a complete stranger, not knowing anyone except Zev, but only from phone calls and e-mails. Turns out Zev's fience is good friends with Nedenah. So we daven Kabbalat Shabbat, and head down to dinner. Turns out a guy from my shul is at this Shabbaton, so he invites me to have dinner with his friends. It's going really well, meeting new people, having a blast, then along comes the prize of the night. I'm introduced to this person, who wants to talk business. We get talking, and talking some more, really interesting person. Oneg Shabbat comes and goes (nothing too memorable) and the night ends. I stay at this guy Gary's house, and the next morning I go to this little shul. Shacharit goes well (as well as it can on a few hours sleep). I felt like Ben, got called up to Hagbah, then starts Shabbos day.

We go to the Rabbi's house for Shabbos lunch, and this converation follows. The conversation started with what love is and the relationship between a husband and wife. It ended on that topic as well, but in the middle was a huge conversation about faith and proving HaShem's existance, it was really interesting. Then Mincah, where we thought we were 30 minutes late (turns out we were 30 minutes early) so I came up with come fantastically horrific leyning and went back for seuda shlishit. Then, another conversation (more a of a lecture) about the Jewish people and how to spread good deeds, and then it was over. I met some really good people, and for those of you who really know me, you know what kind of people I met.

It was great, and I'm really happy I went. I hope all of you can come next time. There was fantastic singing, great conversation, and beautiful women. See you all at the next Brooklyn College Shabbaton (co-sponsorder by Hunter Hillel).

Monday, March 06, 2006

Tzachie was right, they do sound different.

A few months ago I overheard the Hillel Head Honcho Tzachi giving an orientation to a bunch of people doing Hillel birthright. Among the "pertinent" facts delivered in this little seminar was that Israeli currency sounds different than American money. So I dropped a 50 schek' note and a 20 dollar bill on the ground...
....It didn't work. I then decided that he was probably referring to coinage. Unfortunately, I didn't have any coins on me so scientific progress was going to have to wait.
Yesterday, I found my lucky half shekel I carried around for about two months after I got back from Israel last summer, and the experiment was on. So in the Hillel lounge, under the gaze of half a dozen people who were mostly annoyed that I turned of the movie they were watching, I dropped my half shek' and a quarter(they're approximately the same size) and found that indeed they do have distinctly different sounds.
This doesn't make it relevant information for anyone planning a trip to the holy land, but it is interesting...

Sunday, March 05, 2006


I just wanted to say baruch Dayan haEmet.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

So Do I!

How many people in Hillel does this comic strip remind you of?

(credit: Drastic Comics by Adam Murray)
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