Monday, August 22, 2005

They Should Censor OnlySimchas Comments

Friday night (which, mind you, was Tu b'Av), my mother and I were discussing all things related to shidduching. I said that I was scared by some comments on OnlySimchas, where people wrote things that were more along the lines of, "wow! You're so lucky to be the second one to get engaged" than, "wow! You're so fortunate to be in love! Mazal Tov!!!" My mother said that she finds it scary that when people who are raised in a vacuous culture (i.e. Those who attend someone's simcha in another shul will walk into the shul wearing their full-length mink coats and then take them off instead of hanging them in the coat room so that these people at this shul know that they have a full-length mink coat) marry so young, they don't give themselves time to develop out of it. Then, what if somewhere down the line, one of the couple has a spiritual awakening, or realizes that life is not just about wearing expensive things and having everyone else know that you can afford it, but the other one doesn't get it? Then what?

And because too much of the shidduch-thing reminds me of Mrs. Bennet from Pride and Prejudice, I thought this was funny:

5 Shpeils

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Anonymous brown eyed girl said...

My friend Dani who's going to be married B"H, on september 27th, refused to let us post her engagement on only simchas. She said the important people knew she was engaged, and she didn't ned to tell the world. Also, she said, there are plenty of people who read only simchas, who would not share in her simcha, and she didn't want them making nasty comments, or wishing bad upon her. Third, she does know of people, who look at only simchas, and make fun of those on it (people they don't know), and she didn't want random people making fun of her.

As far as young people getting engaged goes. I was friends with this guy a couple of years ago, who had gotten married at the age of 21. His wife decided she didn't want to be married anymore, cheated on her husband with someone who wasn't jewish, and who worked with with them (they had met at their place of work). To make matters worse, she had the guy's baby, before her husband's and her divorce was finalized (which was by the time he was 22). Another friend of mine (who is my age)was married, had two kids, and divorced, all by the age of 20.

Marriage is a difficult thing to begin with, and that is not to be dealt with lightly, and it upsets me that these kids get engaged, and think it's some sort of game. I know Stern girls who cry, because by their senior year they aren't engaged or married. I think it's so sad. Maybe G-D has a reason they haven't met the person they are supposed to marry, like they aren't ready? One of my friends, the youngest of three, got engaged before her older siblings, at the age of 19. Before she got engaged to this guy, her longest relationship was two weeks. A lot of people I know (read: most) have said they don't think she's ready or mature enough for this. I think most young girls, are in love with the idea of getting married. The fairytale wedding, and don't realize so much what comes after it. I think it's an even bigger problem in the jewish community where girls feel like failures, if they aren't married by the time they graduate.

Don't get me wrong. I have friends who have gotten married young. I just think it doesn't depend on what everyone else around you is doing, but rather, whether or not you are ready. Not everyone matures at the same time, not everyone is ready to get married at the age of 18.

Monday, August 22, 2005 12:32:00 PM  

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Blogger elder punk of zion said...

How bout a Tu b'av awarness campaign. half the people i talk to dont know wht it is. Jewish Valentines Day, hows that sound?

I totally agree with the other browngirl. Imagining myself getting married within the next decade is a scary thought. unless of course i can find a wife who likes to sleep late and eat microwaved pizza every day for breakfast lunch and dinner. hehe

Monday, August 22, 2005 12:39:00 PM  

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Blogger Elster said...

I have posted comments on this about a million times and have blogged about it myself once as well.

Self-awareness is a slow process that probably doesn't really START until you hit your loswer twenties. When people get married, they lose a part of their individuality - they are no longer a single person but a UNIT.

When people get married too young (and far be it for me to say when that is), they are losing their individuaioty before they even really gain it.

Example: You go to Israel and "frum out". You decide you want a black hatter husband. Three years into marraige, you realize that you are more like the girl that WENT to Israel, not the one who returned, and you necver really wanted a blackhatter. That was just a phase, not who you really are. Except you feel stuck.....

That's just an example - though an extreme one. I just feel that self realization happens in your mid twenties. If you get married before you are far enough into the porocess, you lose a part of yourself...

Monday, August 22, 2005 1:06:00 PM  

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Anonymous brown eyed girl said...

While I totally agree, you can't lose what you never had. Like you said, Israel, and college is where you "find" yourself. My parents told me many times, "there's a reason college is four years." They told me college is where you "let loose" but it's also shows you who you really are, and who your true friends are. If you get married before you can figure out who you are, who you're friends are, and never get a chance to "let loose" - in whatever that might be, you never really find yourself, and you will be forever looking for yourself. You'll be forever lost, and stay that same confused person.

Monday, August 22, 2005 4:27:00 PM  

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Blogger Elster said...

Yeah

Monday, August 22, 2005 4:32:00 PM  

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